FACEBOOK FOR PARENTS
Well teens, the party’s over. What was once a safe space for us and nerds has now become an open environment where everyone can participate, unfortunately. Although for years we only had to worry about the occasional chain e-mail warning us about gang-initiation practices (thanks for the heads-up, grandma! Hope that helped you out in Boca Raton!), we now have to deal with our parents, aunts, uncles, etc, bothering us online CONSTANTLY. UGH. With this proliferation of adults 40+ on all the hip and cool social media sites, I have devised some hip and cool apps to help our moms and dads continue to keep their distance on the information superhighway. (NOTE: none of these actually exist, I’m an ideas gal!)
“THAT’S NOT YOUR KID!”
Sometimes your kid moves way out of state and makes a whole new group of friends that you can not and possibly will not ever meet. So you see your son and/or daughter in a photo by this new friend having a great time, so of course you click through the album to see who they’re hangin’ out with these days. The “new crew”, as the case may be. On your search, you stumble across a photo of a young adult, perhaps one of your kid’s friends, with their parent(s). It warms your heart – your kid’s gonna be ok! They have friends who like their parents! Instinctively, you go for the like button when,
HEY. YOU DON’T KNOW EITHER OF THESE PEOPLE. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO “LIKE” THIS?
Looking through a stranger’s album is fine – we all do it. But they call it “creeping” for a reason, mom & dad – because doing so is inherently creepy. It’s like breaking into someone’s house and looking through their family photo albums. Yes, it’s online, yes, it’s public, but most importantly, these are people you do not know. Creeping is all of our dirty little secret, and it should be kept that way.
“OLD MEME ALERT”
Man, there sure is a lot of great stuff online! Some of it funny, some of it poignant, hey have you seen that little dog Boo? So fluffy! So cute! Tiffany would love to see this! And she probably has, Mrs. Jones, and she also probably “likes” the Boo the Dog page on Facebook and gets updates on all his little friends and hats. With this app, you’ll get a little notification that Your Meme Is Old and it will not be posted to your Teen’s Facebook. I know, Keyboard Cat is hilarious, but he’s also been playin’ that keyboard since 2007. Although you may not have been online then, your kids were. Keyboard Cat is sort of like this generation’s Leave it To Beaver – it’s cute, it’s safe, and everyone’s seen it.
“LIFE IS GOOD!”
The world sure can be a dark and depressing place. War, famine, AIDS, orphans…war famine AIDS orphans. It’s so heavy! But in this fucked up crazy Earth we live in, we gotta stay positive! Facebook is the ideal place to do this since everyone’s connected! Everyone can see your good vibes! Everyone can get on board the soul train, or whatever! Make sure that you’re connecting with similar positive people with the “LIFE IS GOOD!” app. Every time someone in your network posts an update that includes the phrase “life is good” you get an update. Want to spread the love but got no time? You can pre-program the app to respond “amen brother B)” for you.
Now, I know this is a little dark, but it’s the 21st century and newspapers are dead. Just like an increasing number of your family members. In this day and age, the quickest way to disseminate information among the appropriate people is through Facebook posts. With this handy app, you need only post one original obituary. In the days, weeks, etc, that follow, whenever any subsequent family or friends die, you can just enter a name and it fills in the blanks for a brand new obituary! Although this works for any person, to really get the full experience of this app, you want to encourage anyone near death to join Facebook. That way, when the day finally comes, the app can construct a beautiful collage of meaningful photos the deceased took with a camera phone they barely knew how to work!